Homeless

When you’re left on your own, you think it was all your fault. You can’t blame anyone else because you feel like it’d all be pointless. You feel like you need proof, to prove it wasn’t you, you feel like this is a test and you’re going to lose. You feel like the pressure is building up, you feel like surviving is not enough. You feel like your family didn’t love you enough, you feel like the whole world is all too much. You end up heartbroken and devastated, as the ones who were meant to be there when things got tough weren’t there. And you feel so worthless, you feel destroyed, you feel like a deserted toy when the child grew up. All your hopes and your dreams were shattered from the start, you feel you can’t do anything anymore to make your mark. You feel like everything crashed and burned in front of your eyes, as if you had no power, as if your hands were tied. But you know that when you get far, your dreams will be able to reach the stars, and when you’re on top of that mountain you would have got there by yourself, without anyone else, without any help, just you and your mental health. Don’t feel so mad inside, it wasn’t your choice, there’s no option for you to cry. And now you’re all alone in the depth of your heart, wondering if this is forever, or just the start. All the childhood memories they were oh so oblivious, you never thought life could be so hurtful, so cruel, so unfair. And when you’re so young you never think of the future and what you’ll become. They’re meant to look after you, they’re meant to be there for you till you can stand on your own two feet, till you can say ‘leave me alone I can do this on my own’. But instead they said ‘leave me alone you can do this on your own’. But when you’re pushed to the edge, all your hopes and dreams shatter to the floor, and the things that you wanted to do, crash against the walls, and you fall down from the sky, then you crash to the ground, and everything, just goddamn everything gets choked and drowned, till you can’t breathe, and this loneliness and abandonment suffocates you till you collapse to your knees, and you try to scream for help for someone to turn around and give you a roof over your head and a bed to rest the dread, but no one does, everyone just leaves over and over and over, leaving puncture marks in that gentle heart of yours as if your presence is a blur, as if your very existence is but a mere carpet stain in a hostel room that you’ve been staring at since you moved your things in wondering if it will love you.

~ ‘Homeless’

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