Why does feeling numb sometimes lead to pain? As if the emptiness collided with one another to create a feeling, a feeling of pain. Pain in the sense of your soul I mean. I’m not physically or mentally in pain, I just feel pain in a sense of who I am, what I’m doing and what I will become. Because I don’t feel sad, or angry, or even lonely, I’m a vacuum of emotions yet my soul is aching. I took down all the pictures of me and my friends and family today, pictures that I liked. I don’t know why. I’m not angry at them, nor do I feel any kind of emotion of a new start. I just looked at them and took them down without a second thought, without thinking why. I tried to cry, because I thought that’s what I needed to do, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t even pretend to cry to satisfy the thought. But again it’s my soul that’s in pain. A part so deep within who I am I don’t know how to control or comfort it. It’s as if it’s not me, that my soul is someone else, well at least someone different to what I conclude as ‘me’, but is yet within me. I’m in pain without being in pain. It doesn’t make sense and yet it’s how I feel. I’ve tried to understand it, unravel it in my mind but nothing becomes clearer, it doesn’t make it any easier either. It just comes and goes whenever it pleases, something will set it off and suddenly I’m less ‘happy’ in existing. Even though I don’t feel happy in the first place, this change makes me less happy, more irritable, less inclined to want to be around people, even those I love. It’s like I’m destroying myself and my life from the inside out. I constantly just feel like I want to die, that my soul is in so much pain it wants to implode, because what’s the point of living if my soul doesn’t want to live. The future seems so bleak, just all these events over and over just in different places with different people, so what’s the point?
~ ‘Why Does Feeling Numb Sometimes Lead To Pain?’